Odp: Zagrabaniczne
I got arested in B&Q today for punching a coloured lady on the till. It wasn't my fault, my dad told me to go in and get a black and decker.
emigrant prawie polityczny
- Tyggrysek
- Użytkownik
- Nieaktywny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
ACTUAL entries from hospital charts:
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Note: patient here-recovering from forehead cut.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circumsized.
21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
22. Skin: somewhat pale but present
23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
24. Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
Taki częściowo zagrabaniczny 
Młoda angielska nauczycielka rozpoczęła zaraz po studiach pracę w nobliwym, prywatnym collegu.
Swoją pierwszą lekcje rozpoczęła od przedstawienia się i tego semego oczekiwała od swoich uczniów:
"What's your name?" - zapytała najbliżej siedzącego
"My name is Steve Smith." - padła odpowiedź
"And what's your name?"
"My name is Brenda Scott."
"And what's your name?" - nauczycielka przechadzała się z tym samym pytaniem po całej klasie.
Przy kolejnym "What's your name?" usłyszała:
"My name is John Fuckinghour, Mum."
Zdziwiona powtórzyła pytanie:
"Oh, what's your name, please?"
"My name is John Fuckinghour" - padła ta sama odpowiedź
Oburzona i zniesmaczona pragnęła się upewnić w czasie przerwy, u innej nauczycielki, czy nie została "zrobiona w balona":
"Do we have a Fuckinghour in our school?"
Ta odparła niepewnie ściszonym głosem:
"Never the less we have a teabreak!"
Kładź się wróżko, nie gadaj..., życzenie jest życzeniem!
- Tyggrysek
- Użytkownik
- Nieaktywny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
* Placebo surgery works better than placebo injections
* Placebo injections work better than placebo pills
* Sham acupuncture treatment works better than a placebo pill
* Capsules work better than tablets
* Big pills work better than small
* The more doses a day, the better
* The more expensive, the better
* The color of the pill makes a difference
* Telling the patient, "This will relieve your pain" works better than saying "This might help."
- Borys
- Użytkownik
- Nieaktywny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
Nawet nie probuje tlumaczyc 
A Gordie radiostation runs a competition.
"What I want is a word that isn't in the dictionary" says the DJ. "If You can think of one and use it in a sentence, you win £1,000".
Within no time, the phone is ringing.
"My word is 'ganner'", says the caller
"Ok, that's certainly not on the dictionary" admitts the DJ. "Now, can you use the word in a sentence?"
"Aye" says the caller. "Gannen fuck yourself!"
"Get off the line-this is a family show" says the angry DJ, hanging up.
Seconds later, the phone rings again.
"My word is 'smee' " says the caller.
"Ok"replies the DJ. "If you can use it in a sentence, you win £1,000!"
"Smee again" the caller continues. "Now gannen fuck yourself".
Dla wyjasnienia, jakby ktos nie wiedzial- Geordie to w brytyjskim slangu mieszkancy polnocnej czesci wysp (Irlandia Polnocna, polnocna Szkocja etc)
emigrant prawie polityczny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
What do they call the French art of self-defense ?
Tongue fu.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
but invest like you will live forever.
but invest like you will live forever.
- Borys
- Użytkownik
- Nieaktywny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
Dwie nowki
2 muslims in a Vauxhall Zafira have driven off a cliff in Wales. Officers at the scene said its an appaling tragedy, as this car is capable of seating 7.
Maths teacher asks little Backy wat comes afta 69.... She says a wet wipe an mouth wash usually
emigrant prawie polityczny
- Wubek
- Użytkownik
- Nieaktywny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
How do you call someone who puts poison into corn flakes?
- cereal killer
- Borys
- Użytkownik
- Nieaktywny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
A little boy stands on a bee. His father says
-It wasn;t doing any harm - no honey for a week.
Later, the boy kills a butterfly
-No butter for a week.
Much later his mum stands on a cockroach and the boy says to his dad
-Shall I tell her or will You?
I have just watched the news for deaf people. The woman doing the sign language gave up after 3 attempts at signing Cockermouth
emigrant prawie polityczny
- logrus
- Użytkownik
- Nieaktywny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
An arab at the airport:
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no… I mean male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn’t that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast.
- lucas_yas
- Użytkownik
- Nieaktywny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and said "I have found a mention of PMS in the Bible. It's right here." He showed her the passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known
as "Euro-English".
In the first year, 's' will replace the
soft 'c'. Sertainly,this will make the
sivil servants jump with joy. The hard
'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'.
This should klear up konfusion and
keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in
the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph'
will be replased with the 'f'. This will
make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter!
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the
new spelling kan be expected to reach the
stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkorage the
removal of double leters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also,
al wil agre that the horible mes of the
silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful
and it should go away.
By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to
steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and
'w' wiz 'v'. During ze fifz year ze
unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords
kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of
kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters. After ze fifz yer ve vil hav a
rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubl or difikultis and evriun vil find it
ezi tu undrstand ech ozer.
Zen Z Drem Vil Finali Kum Tru!!
Ostatnio edytowany przez sharkis (2009-12-05 10:58:48)
Kładź się wróżko, nie gadaj..., życzenie jest życzeniem!
- Wubek
- Użytkownik
- Nieaktywny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
Why do russian car thieves always have to steal TWO cars in germany?
Cause they have to drive through poland afterwards.
- Wubek
- Użytkownik
- Nieaktywny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
Hetis een kille doordeweekse dag midden in de winter en eenvrachtwagenchauffeur stopt met zijn wagen voor een rood verkeerslicht.Plotseling stopt er een wagen naast hem en een blond grietje roeptvanuit haar wagen: "Hallo meneer, ik ben Linda...En u verliest uwlading!" ,maar tegelijkertijd springt het verkeerslicht op groen en dechauffeur geeft gas.
Bij het volgende verkeerslicht moet de chauffeurweer vaart minderen en opnieuw gaat het blondje naast hem staan."Meneer, ik ben Linda.. En u verliest uw lading !" , maar opnieuw trektde chauffeur op zonder ook maar op het blonde grietje te letten.
Hetgeluk zit hem echter niet mee, want ook voor de derde keer staan deverkeerslichten op rood en stopt hij netjes. Het blondje, intussenbehoorlijk op haar teentjes getrapt, gooit haar auto voor devrachtauto, stapt uit en roept naar de chauffeur: "Dit is nu al dederde keer... Ik ben Linda, en u verliest uw lading!!!..." Waarop dechauffeur zijn raam open draait en roept: "Ja, stomme trut...Ik benTheo en ik strooi zout!!"
^
Jest chłodny zimowy dzień. Kierowca samochodu ciężarowego zatrzymuje się na światłach.
Nagle obok ciężarówki zatrzymuje się samochód osobowy prowadzony przez blond laskę, która krzyczy w te słowa: Halo, proszę pana, jestem Linda… A panu wysypuje się ładunek!”, jednak w tym czasie światła się zmieniają i ciężarówka rusza.
Na następnych światłach kierowca ponownie zatrzymuje się a obok niego blondynka. „Proszę pana, jestem Linda… A panu wysypuje się ładunek!”. Ponownie jednak światło zmienia się na zielone i kierowca rusza ignorując dziewczynę.
Nie ma jednak szczęścia, bo na trzecim skrzyżowaniu musi ponownie się zatrzymać. Blondynka, już bardzo poirytowana, zajeżdża mu drogę, wyskakuje z samochodu i krzyczy do kierowcy: “Do już trzeci raz… Jestem Linda a panu wysypuje się ładunek!!” Na co kierowca otwiera okno i wrzeszczy: “Dobra już, ty durna babo! Jestem Theo i posypuję drogę solą”
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168". The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says,"What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini". Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
but invest like you will live forever.
but invest like you will live forever.
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
Brzydkie, więc po anglicku
creation of a pussy
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
Kładź się wróżko, nie gadaj..., życzenie jest życzeniem!
- vipi
- Użytkownik
- Nieaktywny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
Managing to survive these tough economic times!
A Punjabi lawyer working abroad wrote to his wife...
DEAR Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crises has
affected my company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my
sweetheart, please adjust.
Your loving husband,
JITA SINGH
His wife replied...
TINKU KE PAPPA ,
Thanks for the 100 kisses,
Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord Balkar Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead
of the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him
other items, I hope you understand..
5. Miscellanoeous expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope
I can survive the month using this balance...Shall I plan the same for the
next month? Please Advise!
Your Sweet Heart,
Kichi
W sumie to moglbym byc bezinteresowny... Tylko co bym z tego mial?
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
Nowym tutaj - witam wszystkich.
Pewnie znacie sytuację pomiędzy Johnem Terry i Waynem Bridgem (dla przypomnienia - przespał się Terry z dziewczyną Bridga - kiedyś najlepsi kumple z boiska).
Wrzucę parę dowcipów z tym związane.
john terry been sleeping with wayne bridge's wife then?
poor wayne he's not even first choice with his wife anymore
John Terry has scored away from home again – this time it wasn’t Wayne Bridge’s girl.
John Terry has announced he's lost his England captain's armband. Fabio Capello told him to ask Wayne Bridge to check under the bed.
Pozdrawiam
Rodzina - grupa osób zbierających się okresowo celem przeliczenia i pobiesiadowania z okazji zmiany ich liczby
- Siapuka
- Użytkownik
- Nieaktywny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
[quote=konradthfc]Nowym tutaj - witam wszystkich.
(...)
Pozdrawiam[/quote]
Rzeby nie było, rze my tu takie niekurturarne hamy to się wezmnę i pszywitam
Nowicjuszu, każde wrzucenie przez Ciebie linka zostanie wykorzystane przeciwko Tobie. Dodatkowo przed wstawieniem linka skonsultuj się z lekarzem lub farmaceutą
O tempora, o mores, o ku**...
O tempora, o mores, o ku**...
- Siapuka
- Użytkownik
- Nieaktywny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
"Birdy birdy in the sky, Dropped a poopy in my eye,
I don't worry, I don't cry, I'm just happy, cows can't fly!"
Nowicjuszu, każde wrzucenie przez Ciebie linka zostanie wykorzystane przeciwko Tobie. Dodatkowo przed wstawieniem linka skonsultuj się z lekarzem lub farmaceutą
O tempora, o mores, o ku**...
O tempora, o mores, o ku**...
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
Ostatnio w knajpie nad barem widzialem nastepujacy napis:
"In God we trust, all other pay cash"
Kładź się wróżko, nie gadaj..., życzenie jest życzeniem!
- Borys
- Użytkownik
- Nieaktywny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
After no dates or sex for 8 years, a woman visits chinese expert sex therapist Dr Yam. he says
-Take off all your croase and craw reery reery fas to othre side room.
She does that
-OK. Now craw reery reery fas back
As she did, Dr yam shook his head
-Your problem vewy vewy bad. Worst case Ed Zachery disease I ever sor, dat why You get no man.
-God, what's Ed Zachery disease?
Dr Yam says
-It's when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse.
emigrant prawie polityczny
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going ? ”
He said, “I’m going to the doctor. ”
And she said, “Why? Are you sick? ”
“No, he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills. ”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting
on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going? ”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too. ”
He said, “Why? ”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty
old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot. ”
Mother put her little daughter,
twenty minutes under water.
Not to make her any troubles,
just to see the funny bubbles!
Kładź się wróżko, nie gadaj..., życzenie jest życzeniem!
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
Nie lubie tego typow kawalow, ale tym razem robie wyjatek :
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete..
I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read... it say:
~~~Polish Remover~~~
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
but invest like you will live forever.
but invest like you will live forever.
Odp: Zagrabaniczne
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"